


i built these walls to keep you out

by nicole_writes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fjord has a lot of feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Jester and Fjord have a talk, Mild Angst, They're soft for each other, almost certainly to become canon deviant, but give me exhausted Fjord and concerned Jester, gratuitous hugging, post-Happy Fun ball, the fjorester is very light and mostly just friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-06 00:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21217661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicole_writes/pseuds/nicole_writes
Summary: "There’s something to be said about guilt. It eats away at you, clawing at your stomach in the dark of the night and tearing at your mind if you ever dare to smile. Survivor’s guilt, the weight of leadership, the desperate thoughts that say“you should have seen this coming”. It follows him, unassuming and quiet, ready to rear its head anytime there is a moment of peace or quiet.Fjord knows about guilt."





	i built these walls to keep you out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm procrastinating studying for midterms again and I've been thinking a lot about Fjord and Jester and their little feelings-talks and of course, the sense of duty and the chaos that's surrounding our favourite adventurers so here's a little something for the soft, mostly-platonic Fjorester fans.

There’s something to be said about guilt. It eats away at you, clawing at your stomach in the dark of the night and tearing at your mind if you ever dare to smile. Survivor’s guilt, the weight of leadership, the desperate thoughts that say _“you should have seen this coming”_. It follows him, unassuming and quiet, ready to rear its head anytime there is a moment of peace or quiet. 

Fjord knows about guilt. 

The Tide’s Breath–he should have seen something in Sabian earlier, he should have warned Vandran, he should have known better than to wander to close to the rail, he should have _died on that ship with the rest of the crew. _

Mollymauk–he shouldn’t have let Jester come patrolling with him and Yasha, they never should have wandered too far from the camp, he should have fought off the attackers rather than be taken, he should have taken the brunt of the torture upon himself, he should have _killed Lorenzo himself and saved his friend._

Uk’otoa–he shouldn’t have taken the sword, he should have ignored the Cloven Crystals, he shouldn’t have led them onto the sea, he shouldn’t have let Avantika take them, he shouldn’t have slept with her, he shouldn’t have let her open the seal, he should never have opened one himself, and god, he should have _thrown the blade away long before he did_.

There are things that keep him awake at night, blindly staring into the top of Caleb’s dome, or keeping vigil in the chamber while his friends slept because he didn’t need to sleep for those 8 hours when he could be protecting them. Melora wanted him to serve and protect and that’s all he wanted was to protect those idiots who surrounded him who he cared so much about. 

They make it out of the Twiggy-dubbed Happy Fun Ball, with Yussa, their beaten, battered wizard ally in tow. They have a total of four spells remaining and Fjord has never been this tired in his life, but they are all alive, miraculously. 

Beau is limping, her knee twisted in, and her new circlet tangled in her hair, but she is upright. Caduceus is wobbling along with his tall, lumbering gait because he’s very hurt and they didn’t have enough healing to go around _(Fjord feels warmth course through his fingertips as he lays his hands on Caduceus’s chest and wills him back to life)_. Caleb is trying to support Beau, but there’s a darkly vacant look in his eyes and Fjord remembers his panic at the golem’s silence collar. Nott is clutching Jester’s cloak, her eyes wild and her scratches still bleeding. Since her adventure across the pond, Nott had been wary of their journey, but the goblin had taken her share of hits.

And then, Jester. Sweet Jester with bruises forming under her blue skin and wide purple eyes that reflect a guilt Fjord only knows so well because she hadn’t healed. Because she had nothing left to give them and Fjord knew she wanted to give everything for them, but _she had nothing left. _

Allura sweeps into the room, followed by a halfling woman with full armour and a stern, suspicious look on her face. Allura looks their mismatched group over and the halfling heads straight to Yussa, hands outstretched. A soft white glow emits from her fingers as she splays them on the wizard’s shoulders and Fjord blinks because he knows what that it and the kind of divine power that’s being harnessed. 

Allura introduces Kima, the halfling paladin of Bahamut, but Fjord’s ears are still ringing with exhaustion. After a long look over them, Allura dismisses them to get sleep, saying that she’ll deal with Yussa and the sphere while they rest. Most of the Mighty Nein don’t protest, but Fjord finds himself wanting to linger. 

They gave Yussa the Happy Fun Ball. They should deal with it, not this sweet wizard from a different continent. They’re the reason that Yussa was sucked inside and this is their problem. Blood pounds through his ears and his vision tunnels and he stumbles into Caleb suddenly. 

“Fjord?” Beau says, her brow furrowing. 

Her face dips in and out of focus as the ringing in his ears gets louder and for the first time, Fjord realizes how _exhausted_ he is. He hadn't slept at all and they’ve eaten very little and the power of the Wildmother flooding through him has left him completely drained. He tries to respond, to assure them that he’s fine, but his tongue is heavy in his mouth. 

Jester moves towards him, her hands reaching up for his shoulders as she steadies him, staring into his face. “Fjord, can you hear me?”

Mutely, he nods because that’s all the strength he can muster. Shame and guilt stab through him. He’s supposed to be better than this–a guardian for these fools–and he stands here looking weak. 

Jester steps closer, reaching up to touch his face. Fjord blinks and tries to ground himself by counting the freckles that splash across her nose, but they swirl tauntingly. Her fingers run along his cheekbones and across his forehead and it takes everything he has not to collapse against her. Her brow furrows and her fingertip grazes the skin under his eyes where Fjord can basically feel the signs of his exhaustion. 

“He’s exhausted,” Jester says after a moment. She looks sad as she leans away and as soon as she has stepped back he nearly stumbles again. 

Quickly, Jester catches his arm and slides her arm around his waist, offering him some of her remaining strength. Allura gives the entire group another appraising look and this time Fjord can feel the eyes of Kima, the Paladin, on him. Her gaze is assessing and sharp, but he knows she’s looking at the Wildmother’s symbol scrawled on his armour. 

“Please,” Allura says, her voice gentle, “rest. There will be much work to be done in the morning.”

“Follow me,” Wensworth urges soon after. “I will show you where you can rest for the night. We have many chambers for guests.”

Nott and Caduceus lead the way out of the room, and Beau limps after them, Caleb sticking close to the monk’s side. Jester hesitates, her arm still around Fjord, but Fjord looks back at Kima and Allura and his mind screams at him to stay and clean up his own mess. 

Kima finally speaks, levelling Fjord with a heavy glare. “You’re no use to anyone in that state. Sleep, pray to your goddess, and come back when you in better form,” she instructs. 

The words are hard, but not uncaring and Fjord recognizes that she has recognized him as a servant to a goddess in a similar way of her own. Guilt knaws at his stomach, but when Jester tugs on him, he follows her and they head out, following the rest of their party. 

Wensworth kindly sets them up with three rooms that end up all being connected. As usual, Nott and Caleb immediately head into one and Nott is already curling up on one of the beds as Caleb turns to the rest of them to nod before shutting the door. Beau limps to the nearest bed and sinks onto it, rubbing at her knee and frowning. Caduceus lumbers towards the third room quietly. 

Jester hesitates at Fjord’s side, obviously unsure if he still needs her support. He smiles down at her with a smile he hopes is relatively convincing before unwinding her arm from his waist and stepping away. He doesn’t stumble, thankfully, and it is apparently enough to ease Jester’s worries as she takes a step towards Beau, just glancing back towards him briefly. 

He heads after Caduceus, letting their sleeping-roommates routine continue. He nods to Jester and Beau before leaving the room one more time. “Sleep well,” he says lowly. 

Beau watches him leave with a furrowed brow and Jester worries her lip between her teeth, but they both nod and bid him a good rest as well. Fjord shuts the door behind him and sees that Caduceus is already turned to the wall on one of the beds, his shoulders rising and falling steadily with deep, sleeping breaths. 

Fjord sits on the other bed and starts stripping his armour off. He does it slowly and methodically and he’s ashamed to realize that his fingers stumble over the buckles of it in his tired state. He stacks it at the foot of his bed, but leaves Jester’s whip closer to his head so that he could grab it quickly in the case of an emergency. 

He lies down against the mattress and finds it surprisingly comfortable and his weary body sinks into unconsciousness almost immediately. Sleep takes him and all he sees is black.

\- ~ -

Fjord dreams of a realm where the sky stretches undisturbed from horizon to horizon. The world is flat and covered in about a foot and a half of water over soft, sandy ground. The water shifts in waves, a calming noise, and the air smells like sea salt. Fjord inhales deeply, soaking in the familiar scent. He’s standing in the calf-deep water and his boots are soaked through. His toes must be pruning.

Fjord looks around and sees water and sky stretching blindly in every direction. He steps forward, curiously, and he moves, unimpeded by the water. He starts walking in one direction, blind curiosity leading his movements, but after a couple of steps, his foot hits something in the water. 

He leans down to pick it up and pulls out Beau’s staff. The wood is splintered in places and the ribbon tied around it is charred, frayed, and waterlogged. He puts it back down, frowning, and looks around. There’s no sign of Beau, but he does catch sight of something else glinting below the water nearby. 

It’s Nott’s flask: the unending one that she never lets out of her sight. Fjord doesn’t even need to lift it to fully see what it is and his heart starts to pick up its pace. Caduceus’s shield is half-buried by sand just a pace away and next to it is Caleb’s now-ruined spellbook. The Magician’s Judge is burrowed into the sand just beyond that and then Fjord sees Molly’s coat drifting along in the waves. 

Fjord turns in a full circle, looking for his friends. Their things–some of their most prized things, are here–but they’re not. The sun shines brightly overhead and the water laps against his legs gently, therapeutically. He exhales slowly and tries to quash his panic. 

He looks down at the waves and sees that the water isn’t the same clear liquid it had been before. There are wisps of red dancing through it, spreading and growing, dying this whole ocean the crimson colour of blood. Fjord turns and sees shapes nearby just below the water and he breaks into a sprint towards them. 

Beau, and Caleb, and Nott, and Caduceus, and Molly, and Yasha, and–when he sees her, he swears his heart stops. Jester lies under the water, her violet eyes staring blankly upward, her stomach slashed and filling the water around her with blood. Fjord falls to his knees and pulls Jester against his chest. 

There’s no pulse and her skin is freezing cold. 

He failed them. They’re all gone and there’s nothing he can do. He’s worthless and he should have protected them.

Panic and pain swirl through Fjord’s mind and he falls to his knees, still cradling Jester’s still form. His breathing increases and he feels his eyes grow wet and he shuts them, trying to control his breathing. 

_Why was he alive when all his friends were gone?_

He wakes up suddenly, his eyes shooting open so quickly that the entire room is black for a long moment before his darkvision adjusts and he can see the domed ceiling of the room in Yussa’s tower. His heart is still racing and his eyes are wet and his jaw hurts from where he had clenched it. His entire body is tense and it takes a long moment for him to let some of the tension out of his shoulders. 

He sits up, looking around. Across the room on the other small cot, Caduceus’s chest rises and falls deeply with his breaths. Fjord swings his legs over the side of his bed and sits up, exhaling slowly. The exhaustion that had crippled him earlier is gone, but his head is still a little foggy and tired.

The air of the room is suddenly stifling and he feels an intense need for fresh air. Wensworth had pointed out a small balcony that they were free to use if they desired when he had escorted them to their chambers and Fjord desperately wants to breath salty, Menagerie Coast air. He stands from the bed, sliding his boots and a thin shirt on, and heads for the door. 

Quietly, he cracks the door to Jester and Beau’s room and slips in. He can see both of his friends lying in their beds, breathing, so he heads for the main door to their chambers. He has just placed his hand on the doorknob when he hears a voice call his name.

“Fjord? What are you doing?” Jester asks, her voice soft with sleep and confusion. 

He turns around and can see her half-sitting in bed as she stares at him in confusion. Fjord waves gently and gives her what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “It’s ok, Jessie, I’m just going to get some air.”

She doesn’t reply but doesn’t move either, so Fjord opens the door and steps into the hallway, assuming that he has appeased her curiosity. The hallway is dimly lit by torchlight and Fjord locates the door to the referenced balcony quite easily. He cracks it open and slips onto the small balcony. 

Due to the nature of Yussa’s tower, as he steps out and looks down, the balcony appears to be about 100 feet off the ground, but he knows that if you looked up from the ground, there would appear to be no balcony at all. 

The air is stinging and cold and tastes like salt. Fjord splays his fingers along the stone railing of the balcony and exhales heavily. His dream was still at the front of his mind making him prickle with guilt and fear and shame. It’s not the terror that came from Uk’otoa’s ominous dreams, but it hurts just the same. He leans forward on his elbows, letting his head fall into his hands as he breathes. 

“Fjord?” 

He snaps his head up and turns to the entrance back into the tower. Jester is standing there in her underdress and boots, staring at him with a concerned look on her face. 

“Jester,” he breathes.

She walks up to him and studies his face intently. “You need to rest,” she says firmly. 

Fjord sighs. “Can’t sleep,” he admits. 

Jester frowns. “It’s not Uk’otoa again is it?” 

Fjord shakes his head quickly. “Just other stuff.” He reaches his hand up to scratch awkwardly at his face without thinking and Jester grabs his wrist to stop him. He realizes with a start that he had been aiming for his tusks and she’d stopped him. 

She gives him a timid smile. “Your teeth look good,” she compliments. 

Fjord lets out a low laugh and slides his wrist through her grip until they’re holding hands. “Thanks,” he replies. 

Jester bites her lip and squeezes his hand. “Fjord, if something was bothering you, you would tell me right?”

He drops his gaze. “Sometimes I just feel like I’m not doing enough. It’s like all this trouble is my fault and I’m not doing enough to control the situation and to protect innocent people like Kiri or Yussa or to protect you all.”

Jester exhales, reaching for his other hand. “Fjord, no, we’re all doing the absolute best we can right now. And besides, we like supporting you too.”

He nods. “I know, I know, but don’t you feel like we could be doing more to stop the war than we are?”

For the first time, Fjord sees shame and grief in Jester’s eyes and his heart breaks a little. Without even thinking, he reels her into a tight hug and Jester’s hands curl into his shirt. He holds her for a long moment, breathing slowly. 

“I’m so afraid, Fjord,” she admits. “The Traveler is always with me, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough for him. And Momma, she misses me so much and I’m running around getting involved with a war.”

Fjord rests his head atop hers, between her horns and closes his eyes. “I keep feeling like I’m failing everyone and that I’m going to wake up one day and the Wildmother will have decided that I’m not good enough for her and that I’ll be powerless again,” he says quietly.

Jester pulls back just enough so that she can look into his face. “You and me have known each other the longest. But, this group, we’re a good group and we’re going to figure this out. We’re going to go to TravelerCon and we’re going to get Yasha back and we’re going to sort out this crazy Cerberus Assembly and we’re going to help the Cobalt Soul and we’re going to save Caduceus’s forest.” She lists the goals in one long breath and is completely out of breath by the time she finishes talking. 

Fjord cracks a small smile. “You have so much faith in us, Jester.”

She smiles weakly. “I love you guys.”

Fjord can see the trepidation in her eyes and the hollow pain that echoes that which he feels as well. He hugs her again and just holds her for a moment. “Jessie, you’re so strong and good to all of us, but you know that we’re here for you too, don’t you? If there’s ever anything you want to talk about like the Traveler or your mom or even your feelings, we’re here for you.” He pauses, gathering his courage further. “I’m here for you.”

Jester curls her arms around him and hugs him back. “You don’t have to carry the weight of everything with you,” she whispers into his chest. 

Admiration and adoration well in his chest for the girl in front of him. He kisses the top of her head so lightly he’s not even sure she’ll be able to feel it. “We’re a family, right? A crazy, out of control, mismatched family. How about this instead: I’ll carry what I can and you carry what you can, and we’ll share the rest?”

She squeezes him and leans back, but this time she doesn’t step out of his personal space. Her eyes are watery, but she’s smiling softly again. “I miss Molly,” she admits. 

“Me too.”

“I don’t understand why the Gentlemen doesn’t want to be with my Momma.”

Fjord doesn’t have an answer for that, but Jester shakes her head, assuring him that it’s alright. 

“I don’t know what to do now that Vandren’s alive,” he admits instead. “Should I be happy? Or should I be angry he never came looking for me?”

Jester sighs and rests her head against his chest again. “I’m scared I’m going to have to use Revivify sometime soon again. I’m scared I’m going to fail.”

“You won’t,” he says before he can even think the reply through. He swallows as Jester’s anxious eyes tilt to meet his gaze. “You won’t because we’ll be with you and the Traveler will be with you too.”

She relaxes a little. He keeps his arms around her and tightens them briefly as a gust of wind blows by, reminding them both that they’re not wearing their cloaks or armour. Fjord looks up, studying the starry sky that’s dotted with clouds. 

“Jester, whatever happens next, I trust you. I’ll be with you till the end of the line and I’d follow you all the way down.”

She headbutts the bottom of his chin with the very top of her head. “I’m with you too. But no more lies, okay?”

“Only if you promise to talk to me, or to Beau, or to Nott, or any of us too. I know you’re carrying weights too, Jess.”

She sighs slowly. “A burden shared, right?”

He hums his response and Jester giggles, her hand pressing against the centre of his chest after a moment. 

“I felt that,” she says softly. 

Fjord smiles and he feels the gentle poke of his still growing tusks as he does. Jester reaches up to poke at them, smiling more openly now. He plucks her hand away from his face and just cradles it for a moment. Her cheeks flush a deep blue-purple shade and she looks away from his face towards the sky. 

“We’re okay, right?” she asks. 

“We’re getting there,” he replies. 

The guilt that weighs on him lifts a little and when he breathes in, it’s the best air he’s ever breathed and he feels the most comforted and at ease he’s felt since the Tide’s Breath exploded.


End file.
